Moving from 2011 to 2012

Christmas was a true Joy this year.  Elliot's First Christmas! I am  so very grateful for the blessing of my Grandson and so very proud of my Son Nicholas.  I thank God everyday for these blessings I've been given. I am bless with the most awesome family both near and far who are always there for me in my times of need and to celebrate my journey.  I have been equally blessed with the most wonderful group of friends and the women I've be blessed to share my time with this year have been my backbone and strength in getting me through the times I wasn't quite sure I'd make it through.  I love you all so very much from the bottom of my heart.

  I'm closing out this year in celebration with family and friends with a resolution to myself to let the past go.  I've been holding on to a very small thread for fear of loosing something I guess, I fear not finding again?  I have struggled and had my ups and downs with releasing this tiny bit of hope but must now look deep inside of me to find the courage and strength to release myself once and for all from this grip.  It is time to let go of the baggage I've been hoarding, the memories both good and bad, the fear of being alone forever, the brain baggage and words and visions I've inflicted on myself.  It is time to start fresh and new on a clean slate.  Time to consider the incredible possibilities in front of me.  Let 2012 bring with it renewed faith, hope, open mind, emotional well being and endless possibilities. I will open my fist and let the old be free in order to be given the opportunity to have someone grasp my hand with new experiences, new things to learn, new relationships and the possibility of new love.  I know that God has a plan and I am open and accepting of the path he leads me down for I believe in him and know he will never leave me alone or astray.

God Bless all of my Family and Very Dear Friends.  Wishing you all an abundance of Joy and Love and a very Prosperous 2012.

I Love You All,

Gerri

I'm a Memere!!!

So as usual it has been some time since my last post.  There has been much going on in my world best of all I became a Memere on April 20th, 2011 at 5:50pm to a beautiful bouncing baby boy...yea I know another BOY!!!  I think it's God's way of paying me back for always hanging with the boys growing up. Sooooo Elliot Nicholas Mathes came into the world almost 3 weeks early at 6lbs. 12 oz 22inches long and 100% PERFECT I'm not just speaking as a grandparent, everyone agreed!  Best blessing was I was there to view his entrance!!  Just an absolute amazing experience.  Thanks Gladys & Nick.  I love you both.  I was also thankful I got the baby shower in just under the gun, only 4 days prior!!  Everything worked out just find.  My little angel ended up in the NIC unit for a month with intestinal and bowl issues but he finally came home for his Daddy's 23rd birthday!!!  I wish they were closer to me but find myself running up and down the Florida Turnpike every few weeks. 

More to come....

Gerri

Moving right along...

So two months down in my first space alone. I have had many visitors which very welcome.  It's amazing how many people you can sleep in 700 sq. feet! Cocoa and Stoli are slowly adjusting.  Cocoa isn't chewing the front door down anymore thanks to the metal place E placed on it!  She seems to cry less in the morning when I leave for work.  I walk them each evening when I get home or better yet the run me.  Being confined to a small space I feel guilty so we walk every night for 45 minutes or so.  The walks are nice the lakes that surround me and the beautiful homes make it a nice walk.  Then they run around in the front and chase the squirrels and lizards for a while (their favorite past time).  Dinner is a challenge for me.  Miss my big perfect dream kitchen ):  I thought it was just cooking for me not really fun but learned it triggers fond memories of cooking with "S" one of our favorite things to do together.  It is getting easier and slowly but surely I'm trying to cook something every other night or so.  Can't live on PBJ's alone after all!  I've started working out a little too, this not only helps me physically but mentally as well.  Fortunately the evenings seem to pass quickly and before I know it, its time for bed!  This is pretty much a day in the life of me.  Me being me I worry about leaving the dogs alone a home to much so don't really leave once I'm home a night.  I do try to keep busier on the weekends, these are the hardest times.  Too much down time for me...NOT HEALTHY... my mind can be my worst enemy.  I'm working on this too!  So much work in progress you'd think I'd be over this by now.  On the positive side, I am getting stronger everyday and the pain only comes and goes now in small drips an drabs so this is good.  I miss the companionship most, I was born to be part of a couple, at least I thought?  Maybe not?

On a positive note...my grandson is due to arrive within weeks now.  He is growing strong and healthy and I saw his little face last week on a sonogram photo, it is amazing how clear they are now.  He looks like Nick from what I could tell so far.  He has many loved ones anxiously awaiting his arrival.  Nick and Gladys' shower is April 16th and I hope to have them settled into their own place within the next six months, this they need badly.  God has been very good at answering my prayers so I'm praying one more for them to be strong, patient and loving parents to my GRANDSON, they have a long road of love, joy, happiness, and heartbreak ahead of them.  It is inevitable, they are going to be PARENTS.  Wow my baby, a parent, a Daddy where or where did the time go?  If only I could have kept him 2 years old forever.  Well I will be here every step of the way of his new journey just like always.  I LOVE YOU NICHOLAS...

ANOTHER STEP...

It has been sometime since I've blogged. different reasons why not important.  Many more changes have occurred in my ever changing world.  Finally move out of the house into an apartment.  This was a big change going from 2800 sq. feet to 700 sq. feet was quite an adjustment.  There were many items I had to get rid of because my space could not hold all I had acquired over the years. So her I am 48 pushing 49 years of age and for the very first time in my life I have a place that is mine and mine alone.  Although it is nice to have my things around me again there is much loneliness here. Cocoa is having a very difficult time adjusting and going through major separation anxiety this is hard for me because she was my easy baby never ever gave me a problem with anything.  Stoli is doing better than Cocoa which is a welcome surprise.  I have my good days and bad sometimes real bad days, actually mostly nights, the days aren't as hard at the nights.  I have been getting out with girls from work and other friends and this is great but the drives home to my empty nest sends me into tail spins and I usually end up crying all the way home. I hate this and the feeling of sadness that overcomes me.  It has been seven months now and counting and my heart still aches.  Why is it that it is easier to remember or hold on to the good stuff and forget about the bad stuff?  I pray to God to get me through these times of sadness and loneliness.  I watch other people and relationships and I find that we as humans are never really happy we always want or expect more from the people we love.  Those with significant others want what we without someone special  have and we whom are alone only want that someone there to love. Is anyone ever really happy?  Life is short and not one of us are perfect or without flaws, yes maybe some of us are better than others but we all have our issues.  My point is that we expect the person we fall in love with to be that perfect person day in and day out and this is not possible. We all must look at ourselves first before we make judgement on the people we love or choose to love.  It is so easy to point the finger at the other person and not accept any of the blame.  As couples we are each responsible for some part of the relationship both in the good times and the bad times. Was the man I chose to love perfect.  For me in many ways he was but he had his issues as well and perhaps the issues out weighed the perfection.  As for me I have come to learn that I too have imperfections, insecurities and flaws because I am human.  I do my very best to be the perfect daughter, sister, lover and friend but I am not perfect like everyone else I have shortcomings and struggles to overcome. In the end I suppose I came into this world alone I will be leaving it alone as well.  Everything in between it just what we choose to make or get from it?  So tonight like all the other seven months of nights I come to bed alone and can only pray and wonder where my life will take me tomorrow? 
Gerri

UP, UP AND AWAY AND BACK...

So here I am back from a most wonderful week in New Mexico with my BFF.  It has been many many years since we have traveled together and it was just like where we left off, not a glitch to be found.  Our week began with the Hot Air Balloon Ride over Albuqurque, it was absolutely amazing we were seven blonds in one balloon and we laughed the entire time! We hike the mountains in search of ancient writing on the mountain side from the 1600's it was pretty cool stuff.  Santa Fe is always my favorite place to visit. It like a town of "Bed Rock" with all the Adobe homes, the arcitecture out there it so different than Florida and the weather, well lets just say it's like a little piece of heaven on earth. Beautiful blue skies and no humidity to speak of!  We were taken up into the mountains one night by my cousins to a all natural springs spa.  There were 3 different poools with different tyes of mineral waters coming from these mountains. We are outside in these waters looking up at the stars and since we are five to six thousand feet above sea level you could just about reach out and touch them unbelievable, then it gets better we see a falling star so big and so bright it just takes your breath away.  Talk about a way to end the day... My favotire hiking spot "Tent Rocks" was closed due to a road being paved out to it so this was disappointing but gives us a reason to go back! As always my family went above and beyond to make our trip so incredibly memorable.  Thanks so much to all of you from the bottom of my heart.



PePe La Pue





Adobe Home







Gerri







Ancient Indian Writings



Spa Pool

The journey continues with it's ups and downs....

It's been quite some time since my last post and I have been dealing with some mixed emotions "AGAIN". You know how when you were a little girl you had a dream of how your life was going to be when you grew up?  Well each of us has a different dream. Mine was not about going to college, making a career or being an independent woman so to speak.  Mine was to find the man fall in love, get married, have babies and make a simple but happy home and live happily ever after.....Blah Blah Blah we can see that didn't pan out.  No matter how hard I try and know I am capable of taking care of me, and be alone with myself deep inside my soul is empty.  Most days I go along fine, then there are those days when the simple moments, a song or a memory or seeing a couple or a family when my emotions just hit me like a brick, tears start streaming down my face like a waterfall and my heart feels like someone is sitting on it. Fortunately these emotions pass.

The brain part of me understands that I cannot change anything but myself or my situation, I get that.  The heart is so much more complicated... Oh this heart of mine...it has difficulty saying goodbye or letting go. Not only of people I love but pretty much over everything. This is where I struggle, you see I've pretty much gone through my life looking at the good in people and holding on to that, forever believing that they will change. I guess I feel if I give up on believing how can they change???  I can help them, yea right! You'd think by now I'd figure out,   NOT!  Well I have to accept who I am and love me anyway.  With each situation I gain strength and knowledge but I will never ever give up that part of me.  Even though I have endured much pain and heartache believing in people, this is who I am and that's OK. God made me this way for a reason and one of these days, it will be clear to me why?

So for now I will continue my journey.  Monday I leave for New Mexico with my BFF!  We will begin a new journey together. Back in our 20's we traveled to Paris, went on a Cruise took several canoe trips down the Peace River and turned a lot of heads!  She was my partner in crime! We will now begin a new journey since we again find ourselves single moms who have raised three great children.  BTW she raised two beautiful girls who are now in their second year of college all by herself!  She is my hero! I get so much strength from her.  THANKS C!  My "N" is doing great and is cooking in a restaurant doing what he loves.  So we've decided to start marking off our "bucket list".   We will be taking a Hot Air Balloon Ride! We have a fun filled week ahead and I promise to post all about it when we get back.  Stay tuned for Up Up and Away!!

Gerri

TAKING IT DAY BY DAY...

OK it's been just over a month now on my new journey, I have experienced ups and downs and a lot crying but things are getting better for me.  I guess when you think you've found the one person to spend the rest of you life with and it turns out you were wrong, you have to take a long look at the relationship and yourself to determine where things went wrong?  For me this was difficult because I don't like to fail, I put all my energy, heart and soul and will do just about all it takes to make things work.  This has been an extremely hard process for me.  Even knowing in your mind it is the right choice the heart aches and you go through separation anxiety and not having that someone at your side is difficult.  I know from experience that these feelings will pass it just takes time but being away from my family makes it that much harder.  I have so much support and love from my friends here and my family all over that I know this time will pass and I will find a new path for myself, a healthier and stronger path I just need to take it one day at a time.  I have spend much of this time questioning myself and trying to understand why it is that I attract the type of men I seem to attract.  Maybe some day I will know the true answer to this question?  At this time my focus must be on me which is not easy,  I'm a care taker and not accustomed to the me part of this.  Now I must learn to put me first, this will be new and it will take me some time but I am determined to get there.(:  Peace and happiness, the simple life is all I've ever strived for, finding someone to grow old with enjoying the simple things in life and working with one another to make a modest home and taking care of our children and ourselves. I owe my determination to make things work to my parents for through all their ups and downs they have stuck it out for "50 YEARS" and I so admire them for this accomplishment I only wish that I could have been able to accomplish this one day.  God apparently has another path for me to take and I will put my trust in him to lead the way for he has seen me through many difficult situations and ultimately when I felt all was lost  he has shown me the light at the end of the tunnel.  I thank all of you for the supporting words and love you have given me during this time...

Gerri