Moving from 2011 to 2012

Christmas was a true Joy this year.  Elliot's First Christmas! I am  so very grateful for the blessing of my Grandson and so very proud of my Son Nicholas.  I thank God everyday for these blessings I've been given. I am bless with the most awesome family both near and far who are always there for me in my times of need and to celebrate my journey.  I have been equally blessed with the most wonderful group of friends and the women I've be blessed to share my time with this year have been my backbone and strength in getting me through the times I wasn't quite sure I'd make it through.  I love you all so very much from the bottom of my heart.

  I'm closing out this year in celebration with family and friends with a resolution to myself to let the past go.  I've been holding on to a very small thread for fear of loosing something I guess, I fear not finding again?  I have struggled and had my ups and downs with releasing this tiny bit of hope but must now look deep inside of me to find the courage and strength to release myself once and for all from this grip.  It is time to let go of the baggage I've been hoarding, the memories both good and bad, the fear of being alone forever, the brain baggage and words and visions I've inflicted on myself.  It is time to start fresh and new on a clean slate.  Time to consider the incredible possibilities in front of me.  Let 2012 bring with it renewed faith, hope, open mind, emotional well being and endless possibilities. I will open my fist and let the old be free in order to be given the opportunity to have someone grasp my hand with new experiences, new things to learn, new relationships and the possibility of new love.  I know that God has a plan and I am open and accepting of the path he leads me down for I believe in him and know he will never leave me alone or astray.

God Bless all of my Family and Very Dear Friends.  Wishing you all an abundance of Joy and Love and a very Prosperous 2012.

I Love You All,

Gerri

I'm a Memere!!!

So as usual it has been some time since my last post.  There has been much going on in my world best of all I became a Memere on April 20th, 2011 at 5:50pm to a beautiful bouncing baby boy...yea I know another BOY!!!  I think it's God's way of paying me back for always hanging with the boys growing up. Sooooo Elliot Nicholas Mathes came into the world almost 3 weeks early at 6lbs. 12 oz 22inches long and 100% PERFECT I'm not just speaking as a grandparent, everyone agreed!  Best blessing was I was there to view his entrance!!  Just an absolute amazing experience.  Thanks Gladys & Nick.  I love you both.  I was also thankful I got the baby shower in just under the gun, only 4 days prior!!  Everything worked out just find.  My little angel ended up in the NIC unit for a month with intestinal and bowl issues but he finally came home for his Daddy's 23rd birthday!!!  I wish they were closer to me but find myself running up and down the Florida Turnpike every few weeks. 

More to come....

Gerri

Moving right along...

So two months down in my first space alone. I have had many visitors which very welcome.  It's amazing how many people you can sleep in 700 sq. feet! Cocoa and Stoli are slowly adjusting.  Cocoa isn't chewing the front door down anymore thanks to the metal place E placed on it!  She seems to cry less in the morning when I leave for work.  I walk them each evening when I get home or better yet the run me.  Being confined to a small space I feel guilty so we walk every night for 45 minutes or so.  The walks are nice the lakes that surround me and the beautiful homes make it a nice walk.  Then they run around in the front and chase the squirrels and lizards for a while (their favorite past time).  Dinner is a challenge for me.  Miss my big perfect dream kitchen ):  I thought it was just cooking for me not really fun but learned it triggers fond memories of cooking with "S" one of our favorite things to do together.  It is getting easier and slowly but surely I'm trying to cook something every other night or so.  Can't live on PBJ's alone after all!  I've started working out a little too, this not only helps me physically but mentally as well.  Fortunately the evenings seem to pass quickly and before I know it, its time for bed!  This is pretty much a day in the life of me.  Me being me I worry about leaving the dogs alone a home to much so don't really leave once I'm home a night.  I do try to keep busier on the weekends, these are the hardest times.  Too much down time for me...NOT HEALTHY... my mind can be my worst enemy.  I'm working on this too!  So much work in progress you'd think I'd be over this by now.  On the positive side, I am getting stronger everyday and the pain only comes and goes now in small drips an drabs so this is good.  I miss the companionship most, I was born to be part of a couple, at least I thought?  Maybe not?

On a positive note...my grandson is due to arrive within weeks now.  He is growing strong and healthy and I saw his little face last week on a sonogram photo, it is amazing how clear they are now.  He looks like Nick from what I could tell so far.  He has many loved ones anxiously awaiting his arrival.  Nick and Gladys' shower is April 16th and I hope to have them settled into their own place within the next six months, this they need badly.  God has been very good at answering my prayers so I'm praying one more for them to be strong, patient and loving parents to my GRANDSON, they have a long road of love, joy, happiness, and heartbreak ahead of them.  It is inevitable, they are going to be PARENTS.  Wow my baby, a parent, a Daddy where or where did the time go?  If only I could have kept him 2 years old forever.  Well I will be here every step of the way of his new journey just like always.  I LOVE YOU NICHOLAS...

ANOTHER STEP...

It has been sometime since I've blogged. different reasons why not important.  Many more changes have occurred in my ever changing world.  Finally move out of the house into an apartment.  This was a big change going from 2800 sq. feet to 700 sq. feet was quite an adjustment.  There were many items I had to get rid of because my space could not hold all I had acquired over the years. So her I am 48 pushing 49 years of age and for the very first time in my life I have a place that is mine and mine alone.  Although it is nice to have my things around me again there is much loneliness here. Cocoa is having a very difficult time adjusting and going through major separation anxiety this is hard for me because she was my easy baby never ever gave me a problem with anything.  Stoli is doing better than Cocoa which is a welcome surprise.  I have my good days and bad sometimes real bad days, actually mostly nights, the days aren't as hard at the nights.  I have been getting out with girls from work and other friends and this is great but the drives home to my empty nest sends me into tail spins and I usually end up crying all the way home. I hate this and the feeling of sadness that overcomes me.  It has been seven months now and counting and my heart still aches.  Why is it that it is easier to remember or hold on to the good stuff and forget about the bad stuff?  I pray to God to get me through these times of sadness and loneliness.  I watch other people and relationships and I find that we as humans are never really happy we always want or expect more from the people we love.  Those with significant others want what we without someone special  have and we whom are alone only want that someone there to love. Is anyone ever really happy?  Life is short and not one of us are perfect or without flaws, yes maybe some of us are better than others but we all have our issues.  My point is that we expect the person we fall in love with to be that perfect person day in and day out and this is not possible. We all must look at ourselves first before we make judgement on the people we love or choose to love.  It is so easy to point the finger at the other person and not accept any of the blame.  As couples we are each responsible for some part of the relationship both in the good times and the bad times. Was the man I chose to love perfect.  For me in many ways he was but he had his issues as well and perhaps the issues out weighed the perfection.  As for me I have come to learn that I too have imperfections, insecurities and flaws because I am human.  I do my very best to be the perfect daughter, sister, lover and friend but I am not perfect like everyone else I have shortcomings and struggles to overcome. In the end I suppose I came into this world alone I will be leaving it alone as well.  Everything in between it just what we choose to make or get from it?  So tonight like all the other seven months of nights I come to bed alone and can only pray and wonder where my life will take me tomorrow? 
Gerri